this is all fucked and i know it.
the only things i can rely on:

there is no changing me
not this girl, love.
all that needs to be, will be
only
by
me.
i will be involved as much
or
as little
as i wish
you have no control
remember that.

i will laugh with whomever.
breathe with whomever.
kiss, touch, feel, fuck
with whomever
there is no other

i will love
you.
like no
other
funny how we do the same
lead
and be led

i think of
black and red
hard and heavy
loud and safe

i think of
afflicting blood
i think of
nothing

what i have to offer is
like
no other/
is true and honest
imagine that.

more than you
or anyone
could ever comprehend

i am
intense

i am
interrupted

something pure
find it out

i guessed and i planned and i said i didnt know.
i told you something
did the other
and my brain is set on idle.
..
...
i thought to myself in pictures

finger dug hard into my eye
reaching for sight. for blood. for blind.

teeth clinched heavy heavy heavy
deep into my tongue
waiting for metal
for blood. for taste.

..
back to idle
slow it down
fall asleep but not to dream
not to rest.. or feel fresh

i have only one hour
one day
one life
and im what?

yes, yes wasting it away

back to idle
slower now

my hands sink into my chest
feel for something red
feel for something heavy, beating
something raw
something bleeding
rip rip rip it out

mind set
mind read
mind fucked
mind dead

bleed it out
back to idle

funny isnt it?

"You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love 'till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll hate each other 'till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains children, it's blood. Blood screaming inside you to work it's will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it."


all i need is a true sense. because im sick of being honest.
my heart pounds and pounds at an instant thought. a trace that leads me to a thousand memories. all of which hold your name. and yes, i am guilty of getting lost in them. because my mind is tainted with those thoughts.
and id beg for mercy if i thought mercy was what i needed. its clear to me now, that its not. because if i gravel any longer on these concrete stairs my limbs might choose not to move and id be stuck there, floating. and in mid-air you dont have much control over anything. i know this, because ive been there before. and all i did was feel an impact so hard i could not breathe, let alone move. and there i lay, motionless once again. im not willing to take that chance.
so in fragments ill write what im thinking. and its at this moment that i am focused. yes my heart is still beating, yes my thoughts are still racing. but im silenced and still.
youre indecisive and its killing us both. because im just as stubborn as you and look at where we are. how long has it been? when was the last time? i never said that. why? because i never felt that. harsh? no, because i felt more.



---------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------


this is me caught in the moment
this is me holding tight
i have no choice but to lose control
and i will because of who i am
i will because of what i feel.
time is only distance now

just like its always been.

with this breath i hold

i havent stopped gasping

and the sight of a nonexsitant life

is getting hard to swallow down

i think i think i think

and i might have to do something soon

because all that surrounds me now

are crummy walls that only blocking the view of my dreams

and i cant stand the image any longer

so what if i lose my thought

or choke on those words

those words that hold me up

and let me down

cuz god only knows im hiding so much

and my lack of morals has got me this far anyway

i watch her as she falls into this pattern

this realm of hurt and anger

i try to fall with her, but its obvious i cant

im trying to pick her up

but we wait until shes reachable again

wait and wait and wait

until i just grab for her whole world

and take it all with me

because no ones getting left alone

their cold stares leave me helpless

in a passion i can hardly speak

my thoughts are racing

my heart is throbbing

to know youre around me somewhere

in a place where nothing is clear

and no one feels the same.

your breath i am breathing

and your words i am hearing

your steps im walking

but in circles of restlessness

that maybe here, we'll bump arms

or touch hearts

while my hands are going crazy

my eyes feel what they cannot see

you sit beside me

you walk behind me

you stand before me

and lay next to me

youre eyes are on me

in the skin around me

and youre getting harder and harder to hold in.